I know that I'm a villain in your story But I also know that you never saw me Your perception is a lie Based in judgment Winds ill at ease I know you never saw me You saw only what you wanted A selfish retreat A shroud between You and me You never saw my heart Yet claimed to hold it You never heard my voice Instead yelled over it A victor always How sad. How blind. And now I rest a villain In your pages of your mind I suppose it's easier Than really seeing The weight of all I was made to carry Your ego keeps you safe Ever the knight In shining armor Against an evil witch Your shield of lies Your sword of anger I bled, vanquished That anger infected me I carry it still The injustice of it I waited for people to see The lie While they built the pyre So, I remain a villain A dark queen In your fairy tale And yet I feel warmth, The peace between breaths, Love and the truth of it While the flames rise higher We never had that you see You cannot love a mystery You cannot take and trick, Grab and imprison love You sing The wrong song Slash and take Own and break Blame and defile Love never makes a villain Love doesn't enshrine the self That's pride I may burn to cinder You may choke on your lies As the ashes Of your false love Rise -Angel Marie Russell
Still
There's a quiet here
After the storm,
The bleak of loss,
The tear of heart.
A World of myself
Was given and taken,
Was ignored; neglected,
And the pain arose
I walked away head high,
Heart heavy,
Sure and unsure,
Stable and fractured.
I again chose myself.
I chose love.
I let the suffering wither
No longer.
Now there's a silence
Of self, of sorrow,
There's a bleak and a dawn.
There's a new tomorrow.
I hold myself in the dark
Neither broken nor whole.
Not empty or full,
Present in the exhale.
-Angel Marie Russell
Fear
After my grief I feel an electric Enthusiasm For this World Fear is my sister She knows these waters And together . . . Oh! We are strong When we work together. -Angel Marie Russell
Loving You
I'm loving you Even now Even through difference Even through the puffy red face The tears The mess The puddle of grief on the floor I'm loving you. Yes, Even there. Oh! That your heart could feel The love. I'm there with you in the darkness In the depths of fear When you hide from your own soul I'm loving you. Yes. You. Even my enemy. Love does and ever always will Trump hate. -Angel Marie Russell
Born a Woman
08/28/2017 ⚠️ Trigger warning, child abuse. I was born a woman. I used to hate That I was born a woman. I used to shudder To look down at my frame. I was born into society as woman. It made jokes at my expense, It hung bodies like mine up Prostrate, almost naked For all to see On the side of buildings, Magazines and the overpass. I learned. I was commodity. My mama was troubled It's true, she even abused. And I hated her for it. I hated myself for being like her, A woman. Crazy. Too much. Asking for abuse. My father was safe. He was kind and he made me laugh. He taught me what kindness Could look like, What love was. My mama taught me to hate him, Well, she may have tried, But his love held fast in The pit of mines That was my childhood. I was born a woman. I was told I was weak. I threw like a girl I was told I was dumb, If I tried to speak. I was crazy. I was evil. I was only out For what I could take. I learned I was selfish Even cruel. My mother's cruelty marked hearts, Including mine. She dominated. She screamed. She hit. She wailed. And I grew in her image Hating myself, My hands like hers, My voice too high, I worked on cars with Dad Because being female Wasn't any kind of life. And I grew into a woman. I saw I struggled just like her. And I hated myself for it. Her truth unfurled in pieces. She was bullied. She was molested. She was raped. Married at 16 because of her faith. She was taken advantage of At a very young age. And it made her hard It made her enraged. It filled her with fear, hatred, Anger and paranoia, Each of these A bar on her cage. She was locked in a prison, Made bitter by the world, Made spiteful, By what came Before the kindness of my father. I didn't know this then, Because she lacked the words to speak. And I hated her for it. And I learned to hate myself. And eventually To hate other women. I ran from other women. Because they too Surly, were not safe. I stayed away from other women, Taught hate, In the very same way. They too strayed far and fast Away from my female frame. And where did this leave us? Sisterhood? Cruelty ripped it early away From our hearts, For with each other We are not safe. We have repeatedly been told, Shown, We have learned. Women They are to be hated; Feared. But, I saw in my mother All of this pain. I learned. I witnessed, This anguish, isolation, And anger at her mother In the very same way, And I took pause. I listened within. I said, "wait..." My heart is no home For that such as hate. My mother ached And reacted from pain. And I see my heart has been twisted In the very same way. I was born a woman. But I did not truly believe I was born to hate. So, what happened? And why? And how do I mend this pain? I tried and I failed To find women that were safe. So, I went within. I worked really hard To love that I was born a woman. To love even, Myself. I learned from my mother, To not let pain Become my legacy; To release That of cruelty, blame, and hate. And when I see women now My heart, it aches. Because I see the wound Planted deep In the very same way. And our fear keeps us separate In wounds and in pain. So, I went within again And worked really hard To feel safe With a woman And that meant Safe with me. Could I? Would I? Be proud to be born a woman? Yes. Women... I want to embrace them. Hold them, As sister, as friend, And say I understand And I'm safe. Please let's repair What so much pain took away And let us hold space To build the sisterhood In our way, the ancient ways. Let us make it safe for all sisters To sit near our space. Sisters, I'm sorry. I love you. It shouldn't be this way. You're my sister, Not my competitor And I've released my hate. Love has taken its place. Please let's mend this And make this world a safe place To be born a woman. -Angel Marie Russell
Burn Electric
08/28/2017
My breath holds
Like the air before the wind.
My heart slows
Almost stopping
My eyes hold firm
My hands grip tightly
There is a wild here
Within the veins
Within the breath
There is storm
Within the gaze
There is the hunt
Within the feet
There is the run
And oh, how we folly
And oh, how we forget
That we are the fearsome
The protectors of the wood
The aquifer made flesh
For energy to feel
To sense
To witness
Life.
And we grumble
And sway
We squabble the magic
All away
And we bicker over who
Has the biggest take
And we forget
The hum
The allegiance
The thriving pulse
When we were one
The peace
The quiet
The love.
And here
We lay dormant
Burning up
Under the sun
We feel and oh,
We feel.
And we feel so much;
Too much.
And we forget
We are fire
Made flesh
Manifest
And we burn and we run
And we lay coming undone
But I feel the smell
Of winter
Under the fall sun
I hear the taste of rain
In the storm
That has not yet come
And my hair prickles up
From this knowing within
I am as it all is
I am wild
And free
The Earth and all
Birds, bees, and beasts
And we hum
Like electric fire made flesh
And we burn
Because truly,
How could we do any less?
-Angel Marie Russell
Hum
~Hum~
The whole of humanity hums
With life.
The whole world sings
With melody true and in tune
With the universe.
And we wobbly two legged,
Sway and journey
Deeper on the breath,
The wings,
Of the stardust night.
Each being glows
With inordinate amounts
Of light
Wavering as the sun,
Brightly winking
Within flesh,
Seen in a flash
Of our soul filled eyes.
A bit of star burst to life
Each of us,
Walking on tiny feet
Onward, eternal,
Tracing the path of planets
The movement of star,
The pulse of matter,
Run by the flow
Of energy, the sun,
Swayed by the pull of moons,
Lulled to sleep
By the winking twilight.
I am held
In the arms of being.
I am one part of the all.
I am separate.
I am a drop in a vast and endless pool,
The whole of humanity hums
As the stars and planets dance, in unison
With purpose
Spectacular,
A dream, an instant, a life,
An exhale, how quickly
We come and go,
And again,
Cycles, patterns, swirling
This mystery of life.
I fall in love with every moment,
I implode, explode,
In fiery delight.
I feel the wind pull
My hair like leaves
And unfurled,
I will return home
Once again
To dust blowing
Through time and space
Expansive.
-Angel Marie Russell
07\18\2017
Pretty Boxes
I don’t want to read my pain
So, why would I want to write it?
Why would I want to open a door
I forever want closed?
Why think of where
The key lingers
To that dark door?
Steps that echo
Lead you there
To a room no sound
Escapes
Memories folded neatly
Into boxes sealed
Held breath between pages
A look away stare
No, I’d rather these pages bare.
Why speak of sorrow
When the morning brings rain?
Why the mind slips so
To yesterday?
For a wound cannot heal
Unaddressed
It festers behind locked doors
And escapes words in anger
The pages turn to fury
The boxes scream and rattle
The air itself burns
Through too fast exhales
The body breaks in the burden
Of carrying the weight;
The room nobody
Should ever have
Been made to make.
Love leads to courage
A hand that grabs for the key
And lets all the pages fly
Upon the soar of release’s wings
The mind no longer slips
As fresh air enters
The heart's tomb
Alive once again
To breathe.
-Angel Marie Russell
Thrive
May 22, 2017
I've got a ceaseless
Desire to thrive,
To come out of hell
More alive
Than dead,
Full of hope, more
Than dread.
I want to build the foundation
Over again.
I want to smooth all the wrinkles
In my timeline
And fill each
Splendiferous crack with
Sparkling golden wonder.
I am the flame that once I sought.
I am the spark forged iron wrought.
I am the keeper,
The hoped for,
The one who becomes.
And gladly when gone awry
I melt, break apart,
I become once again
Undone.
-Angel Marie Russell
Mariposa
~Mariposa~ When we echo out Of the cocoon, Less the old, And more new, With eyes slitted, Winking awake to find Our reflection Obliterated. What came before here? What strange creature Stands before me? A stranger me, And far more beautiful. But who is this, That is I, This unknowable new, This timid glance at all, That's changed? And who is this Thing of beauty, Staring back just as me, Who stares behind a face I barely recognize Who is me? And in those eyes In the mirror I see, Wonder, shock, and fear. How can this that I see Be? How can I, But a creeping and crawling thing, Transform thusly, Extravagant, winged, and free. How can it be that I, Caterpillar, could dare to Dream of the stars, And learn to fly? How is it that I Could be staring back At all this beauty, at this self, And it be me? With all these thoughts, My wings have dried From their birth of cocoon shell, And I feel them unravel, I feel them and for the first time, I really feel. And my feet lift One by one, Toes tipped up and off The ground. And the Earth unfolds beneath me The sky unhindered By blades of grass, And I soar untethered, Alive, Anew, And free And as ever, More and truly, me. -Angel Marie Russell
Lost Ghost 