Lost Ghost is Moving

This site will no longer be active. 

You can now find my writing here: 

angelrussell.wordpress.com

I have recently be diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum I am I no longer lost. 

To find my poems merely search poem in the search bar. ❤

Love,

Angel

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Assumptions and labels. 

Hey lovelies,

Please know my writing comes from a place of healed perspective. Not one of distress or alarm in my current life. (Though it has before and that is fine by me.) I am currently quite happy and extremely content. I love my life. I love my boyfriend, my family, his family, my sacred sisterhood, my puppies, and Mr. cat.

I see the world differently with eyes that are alive with wonder. My heart beats full with the vibrancy I find in every day. And I am full. I am love. And I am all of me.

Please do not assume to know where I am on my healing journey. I share my truth because I want other hearts to know they are not alone in their own silent suffering. I speak truths that used to be buried deep.

I have healed in more ways than you can possibly imagine and I will continue to do so. I speak from a place of innocence, love, and vulnerable strength.

My writing is intense. Because I am wild and free and my life in the past was intense. I Have PTSD. I have gone from panic attacks in the ER to being panic attack free. I am also Autistic. I love being autistic and I would not change a single neuron in my brain unless it was to find myself more divinely attuned to love. This is not to say autism isn’t difficult to navigate in this world because it absolutely is and quite often it is debilitating.

I am also chronically ill and a spoonie. Please leave any and all labels, judgements, and ableism at the door of my sacred space. I choose how to define myself.

I am all that I am and I will not be silent because my truth is uncomfortable. My communication style is different because my brain is different. I am absolutely one hundred percent okay with being Autistic and have written in depth about my journey. You can learn more here:

http://www.angelrussell.wordpress.com

Welcome to my page. Welcome to my space. Please ask me to clarify if you are ever alarmed or confused about what I write.

Sometimes, I lose words completely. Sometimes, they come so fast I cannot catch them all. I firmly believe when we speak our truth the world heals a little, one heart by one heart. My words are not for the faint of heart, the new age ableist, or those who believe mental health issues, body issues, or health problems are created by demons. I had quite enough of that in the church. I also do not believe in high or low energy, or high and low functioning. We are all as we are, no more no less.

I was made this way. I am me. I am one. I have risen from deep and painful depths. My life is mine to do as I see fit. (Without ever hurting another or crossing boundaries intentionally.) My voice is mine to speak my truth as I (and the divine) see fit. This is my line in the sand. May all who cross this line and enter here honor this or depart with love.

I may be vulnerable. But do not for one second assume that I am weak.

-Angel Marie Russell

Trigger Warning

(Trigger warning.)

Someone told me
Not to share my truth once,
Because it is heavy and sad,
And it can pull at the
Strings of hearts.

He told me stay quiet.
He said war is caused
By speaking true what we may think of another.
That by speaking pain,
It is unleashed upon this world.

But this is denial.
Pain is here everyday
All around us.
Pain can rip at the seams
Of the fabric of a person.
Pain can devour any and all
Hope.
Isolation then comes to befriend the pained.

They shuffle along
Broken
Staring at the floor,
Quiet about this thing called
Suffering.

“Surely, the package store
Will distract me.
The music that I hear
Filled with commercials
That speak of
Cheer through beer…”

Because what kind of
Joy comes from admitting
There is pain
Everyday?
And we must stay
Blind, deaf, and dumb
To keep it away.

Well honestly,
Fuck that! I say.
Throw away this mandate
That we must stay sedated
Consumed by their games,
That we must stop breathing
True air,
And suck fumes of the
Machine.

Fuck silence.
And fuck apathy too.
And fuck speaking nice
When the man has his
Thumb all the way up my ass.
Yes. I’ve got that much sass.

I spoke.
And when I did
Broke the rusty wheel
Turning the machine.
And the bars on my cage
Shattered from the faulty steel.
It was all a facade anyway.

Pain locked my mind in a prison
This world said be quiet.
Don’t speak the pain,
Lest it know we sense it,
Lest it devour our hearts
In a gulp,
Lest we awaken
And have to fight to be whole.

Well, I spoke up anyway
And now there’s fire in my soul.
And the spark,
I see it,
Aflame over there,
And that person knows
I see too
That the pain is real.

And we don’t have to swallow
That same goddamn pill.
We don’t have to drink, smoke, fuck,
And be pretend to be merry.
We don’t have to amass great wealth and drink fine sherry.

We can fucking be free
Of all of it,
And just shine true in
That yes, there are dark days,
And yes, there are
Ugly crying days,
And yes, sometimes
I just
Don’t even care days.

But there is also knowing
We aren’t alone.
We are the same.
We tried really hard
To stay locked in a prison,
To be locked in denial,
Afraid to feel pain.

But I, shadow walker,
Phoenix extraordinaire,
I broke all the rules,
I will speak my truth
Until I’m blue.
I will yell my truth
Till my voice stops short.
And I’ll dance it all away clean.

Because you can no more
Trap a tiger
In a house of cards
Than you can lock my
Soul in a prison
Based on a farce.

And by seeing the darkness
And fighting within,
I found the way
To light my own light again.
And aflame is how I’m walking,
Through this quagmire
Called life,
And I’m taking names and addresses
Of those in my way.
There’s a Goddess
Awoken and burning,
Inside of me.
Now, I just dare you to
Try and silence me.
My flame burns brighter
Than pain could ever again
Sedate me.

-Angel Marie Russell

Too Much

Yes, you are too much.

You are too much as the
Sun is too hot
For tender flowers.

You are too much as the
Sea is brilliant and vast.
You are too much as the
Canyons that plummet deep,
And ominous.

You are too magnificent
To be small,
Too passionate
To be meek,
Too beautiful
To be otherwise.

You are the legend of space;
That life sprung forth in matter
From the stars that birthed and
Burned, breaking down into
Carbon,
That ignites the force of life
Within your veins.
Your blood pulled by the moon
Wild with intent, to create more beauty, as you were created,
Endless.

So, yes.
I’d say that you are too much,
In the same way the sea
Swallows the cliff
And splashes up and over,
Cleaning all swiftly away.

All this I see and yes, the
Brilliance is indeed too much
For my mere mortal view.
And my breath is arrested,
Short at the sight of
Sun on your hair,
And at the storms I see
Waiting to wash away pain
In your eyes, just there…

My, oh how truly magnificent,
It is indeed too much,
For my humble witness
To bear.

-Angel Marie Russell