Living

Burncoat Park Pond
Spring 23
Angel Marie Russell

It never gets any easier, 
This mess of living, 
This reaching out from isolation
Only to be left alone again. 

I’m silent now. 
Screaming into the void
Only left me raw. 
Hollow. 

I always think this will be
The time I fully mend, but
The wound just keeps gaping,
The pain just keeps aching. 
The echo’s keep on playing in my head.

When will memories that tear at me
Leave me be, let me be, just please
Let go of me. 
I always think the time is now, 
And then a blow topples me. 

How can I connect, 
When connecting is what damaged me? 
How can I heal, 
When this part of me keeps opening? 

How I wish I had another life, 
One with companions, love; a lack of strife. 
My heart, in keeping me safe,
Keeps me alone, keeping me 
Buried, in what ifs. 

I relent, I despair, I no longer care. 
Others see my strength. 
I see only melancholy. 
Others who have left when that strength
Becomes an illusion. 

Yes, I’ve survived, 
But am I truly alive? 

-Angel Marie Russell